GIANT SADISTIC MURDER-DOLPHINS

The killer whale is the largest known species of dolphin. This exposes its common name as a rather silly one. (Silly, just like so many others, such as the: mantis shrimp [not a shrimp or a mantis], electric eel [not an eel], starfish or cuttlefish [not fish], sea cucumber [not a vegetable, though it sure looks like a disembodied rectum], king cobra [not a cobra], horny toad [not a toad, maybe horny], red panda [not a panda], koala bear [not a bear], maned wolf [not a wolf]... See, we just love doing this.) In recent years many have preferred a different name, not because the species is, in fact, a dolphin and not a whale but because some don’t like the negative association imposed by the name "killer". Those folks tell me they prefer "orca". But that too is silly, as the name orca derives from the organism’s scientific name, Orcinus orca, where, in Latin, Orcinus means “from Hell”. So, like, what are we doin'?

If I could rename the species I would choose to call it the Giant Sadistic Murder Dolphin, Gi'Sa'Mu'Do' for short. I think that fits pretty well because, you see, these creatures are not just apex predators whose days are spent killing every sort of fish and mammal. Back in 1987 Salish Sea resident orcas adopted a couture trend lasting the whole '87 fashion season in which members of the community were found cruising around wearing dead salmon on their heads. Elsewhere orcas have also been found to kill giant sunfish, spitting them in half and wearing their corpse on their face, almost as a mask. Alternatively, they will carry their prey's intestines through the water, not while eating them or moving them to a different location but draped around them like a scarf or flag (as a human might take a scalp or their victims ears.) And you may have even seen video of these beasts chasing and terrorizing seals, even batting them through the air with their powerful tails until they stop resisting their inevitable execution, which is seldom instant and can take half an hour or more. They do this to limit their contact with an animal that has a variety of pointy and scratchy tools with which to fight back but also to help loosen the skin of the animal. Yes, they effectively tenderize their still-living prey. We've also observed them doing all of this as a form of socialization and play, without consuming the animal.

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