A UNIVERSAL DEMAND

Comedian Dusty Slay ("Okay. We're havin' a good time.") tells a story about attempting to join the army. The whole thing is a much longer story about how he reasoned that there was no chance America would be involved in a major conflict before he could get some training and life skills, do some travelling, put in time as a cook, and to save some money to pay for culinary school and maybe build a restaurant when he gets out -- and that he should have been sent to basic training in August of 2001 but instead was arrested for driving with an open bottle of beer in his car and his life, and the world, took a different turn... What caught my ear though was the bit where he talks about how when enlisting he told the truth on his application form. The response to his honesty was for the recruiter to return the form, hand him a fresh one, and tell him he had to lie if he wanted to join the army. Wanting to join the army, he did what they asked. The recruiter then walked him through how he could keep up the lie throughout the recruitment process...

This reminded me of being a new college student and applying for a one-time grant of a couple hundred dollars from the school intended for folks who needed help with expenses. Obviously, you could only apply if you really needed the money and they asked you to affirm as much and spell out your monthly expenses. I did so and took in my form. The person behind the desk barely glanced at it, handed it right back to me, and said, "Oh no, if you want the grant you'll have to redo it." I looked surprised. It was explained that my expenses were all wrong. I replied that I kept track of every dollar I spend and this was where I was at, I'd offered nothing misleading. She was perplexed that I didn't have car expenses or even a bus pass and pointed out that I had to add $500 to my housing costs, double the food budget, and write in that I spend $200 a month on haircuts and yoga, or something. I just looked at the woman like I didn't understand what she was saying. Actually, twenty years later, I still don't understand what she was saying. What was she saying?